Anyone can be Santa
just put your lips together and blow (on the magic Santa whistle)
I rewatched The Shop Around the Corner this week and I’ve identified the problem with all of these movies. None of them have Jimmy Stewart towering over everybody and stammering and being charming.
Hanukkah on the Rocks
Tory (Stacey Farber, 2 Hallmark movies) is a Busy Business Lady who barely has time for her regular breakfast with her bubbe, until she gets laid off. Through some Hanukkah candle-related shenanigans, she ends up working “just for one night” as a bartender at Rocky’s. Also at Rocky’s is Jay (Daren Kagasoff, new to Hallmark movies), who has been sent to Chicago by his parents to convince his grandfather, Sam, to retire in Florida. I spent a good portion of this movie trying to figure out where I’d seen Sam before and he’s played by Marc Summers, host of Food Network’s Unwrapped! I used to love watching that show.
After whipping up a Maccabee Mule (a Moscow mule with some Manischewitz), Tory and the gang (including Jay, Sam, bar owner Lottie, and some quirky regulars and employees) decide to lean into the holiday theme. Tory proposes giving Rocky’s a Pun Title for the eight nights of Hanukkah, and it becomes a sort of Hanukkah pop-up bar called (Title Drop) Hanukkah on the Rocks. Jay living in Florida is no impediment to his falling in love with Tory, because of course he’s falling back in love with his hometown. There is truly no greater aphrodisiac than returning home for the holidays, it seems.
What does Hanukkah mean? Shining light into darkness is what Hanukkah is all about.
Last minute plans/impending deadline? There’s sort of one in the sense that Tory takes the job at the last minute and keeps coming back for “one more night” until it’s agreed that she’ll work through the end of Hanukkah.
Chemistry check? Decent.
Dialogue highlight? “Happy people don’t order bagels with strawberry cream cheese.”
How white and straight? Very very.
Pet peeve? Hallmark is still doing that thing where they just sort of replace Christmas with Hanukkah in their movie formula, when they are different things.
Rating? 3 out of 5 games of latke cornhole
Final verdict? Not the best of Hallmark’s Hanukkah movies, but certainly not the worst. It will make you want to make a cocktail and some latkes.
The Santa Class
This movie wants me to believe that a single town in Minnesota can sustain not one, but two Santa training programs. Kate (Kimberley Sustad, 23 Hallmark movies) has taken over running North Star Academy from her father. Their more homey, rustic approach is countered by the slick St. Nicholas School, founded by a former North Star employee. Our romantic lead is Dan (Benjamin Ayres, 19 Hallmark movies), who begs Kate for a job after getting let go from St. Nicholas. I guess “Santa trainer” does not come with the most transferable job skills. Dan is an adult man who gets into the car for the drive to work with a ceramic mug full of hot chocolate and topped with a huge pile of whipped cream, so I cannot take him seriously. On said drive to work, Kate and Dan stumble across the Real Santa, only he seems to have amnesia. What better place to help him recover his memory than a school for Santas?
Kate and Dan have a bit of history (by that I mean, they went on one bad date) so in the midst of all the Santa training and trying to keep the business from going under and trying to save Christmas by restoring “Nick’s” memory, they are bickering and falling in love. I found their chemistry to be a bit lukewarm, but it didn’t drag the movie down. I will say, I preferred the energy of the ragtag group of trainees in Private Princess Christmas to this one, mainly because “wants to be a mall Santa” is not a character motivation that really resonates. One of the Santas is Hallmark’s Paul Campbell (seen this year in Three Wiser Men and a Boy) playing a diva caricature of himself, which was fun. Actually there have been a lot of cross-movie cameos this year. Kimberley Sustad got one in Three Wiser Men, which she also wrote!
What does Christmas mean? Christmas is magic and love and believing in yourself.
Is the title a pun? Ho ho ho (that’s my stilted fake laugh at this terrible pun title)
Last minute plans/impending deadline? If the North Star Academy doesn’t win the Christmas Cup (a competition between the two Santa schools) Kate is probably going to sell the property to a mall!
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? After being steeped in Christmas for work (although what they do from January to October I don’t know) Kate takes the grump route while Dan is very much an enthusiast.
Dialogue highlight? “If you lose your memory again, you can have mementos of us to remember us by. Like that movie about that guy who lost his memory.” “Memento?” “No, I think it was called something else, I just can’t remember.”
How white and straight? All these unconventional Santas and not a single gay Santa
Pet peeve? One of the Santa trainees has a puppet that they talk through, and while it’s not a ventriloquist dummy, it’s close enough to one to piss me off.
Rating? 2 out of 5 magic whistles
Final verdict? A mixed bag for me on this one.
Following Yonder Star
I noted during The Santa Class that three tracks from Jennifer Hudson’s new Christmas album had been featured in movies so far this year. This movie had two! Let’s take bets on when Jennifer Hudson will appear in a Hallmark movie herself.
This movie is presented by DaySpring, which is Hallmark’s line of religious greeting cards. So this movie — unlike any other movie this year, including multiple that have had a pastor as a character — actually talks about God and Jesus when they’re talking about Christmas. The titular star is a planetary conjunction happening on Christmas Eve that is theorized to be the same phenomena that the wise men followed back in the day. The other titular star (Hallmark loves a Pun Title, after all) is Abby Fontaine (Brooke D’Orsay, 11 Hallmark movies) former star of a Hallmark-esque show where she played the perfect cookie-baking wife and mother. She is neither of those things, and after a public meltdown goes viral she decides to take a vacation to Quaint Vermont.
There she meets innkeeper/widower/science teacher/single dad Nick (John Brotherton, 3 Hallmark movies) who is one of the only people who doesn’t care about her bad PR. He’s nice and understanding and very, very into her. I feel like usually these widowed single dads are more emo about moving on from their dead wives, but Nick is very enthusiastic about flirting with Abby until the movie needs him to have an emotional crisis right before the climax. Their chemistry is fine, but it doesn’t stop the romance from feeling very sudden. Other than explicit conversations about faith and prayer, this is a pretty standard Hallmark movie. Lonely career lady meets small town widowed single dad and decides that actually she really is tired of having a career and being lonely.
What does Christmas mean? Christmas is a time to believe.
Last minute plans/impending deadline? Abby volunteers herself to help Nick direct the Christmas pageant even though she literally just met him.
Dialogue highlight? “You’re Abby Fontaine.” “Please don’t hold that against me.”
How white and straight? I didn’t think DaySpring would be presenting anything that wasn’t straight, but I’d love for them to prove me wrong in future movies.
Rating? 2 out of 5 custom engraved ornaments
Final verdict? Not bad, just kind of boring.
There’s only one more movie this year! Happy Howlidays, starring the winner of Hallmark’s Mr. Christmas reality competition show. We’ll see if he lives up to his new title.