Baby's first Christmas

"We're outside the movie? That's not supposed to happen."

I’ve noticed multiple movies this year having the stale “is Die Hard a Christmas movie” debate. Hallmark is behind on a lot of things, including their cultural references. If you want to talk about real dark horse Christmas movie picks, let’s have the Batman Returns conversation.

Private Princess Christmas
I complained last year about Hallmark casting Broadway’s Derek Klena and then not having him sing, and it seems they heard me! If anyone is thinking of staging a revival of The Sound of Music, Derek Klena’s audition is right here. He sings Edelweiss! He looks stern and blows a whistle! He plays Ryan, a captain in the US Army who is tasked with running a 10-day bootcamp for future world leaders. (When I googled “leadership bootcamp” nothing like this came up, so I don’t know where this idea came from.) Our heroine, Princess Violet of Wingravia (Ali Skovbye, 6 Hallmark movies), is sent to this bootcamp by her mother, who feels Violet needs to prove herself before she can really be considered her successor. One of my many Pet Peeves with these fake European royalty movies is that there is basically no logical world-building. All we know is that Wingravia is in Eastern Europe but everyone there speaks with British accents that sound like me doing my best Emma Watson. Where in Eastern Europe? Is it an absolute monarchy or a principality? Did it used to be part of the USSR? When Meg Cabot invented Genovia for the Princess Diaries, she told you what countries it bordered and which side they were on in World War II. Hallmark is more concerned with coming up with Christmas traditions for their fake countries. I at least appreciate that they decided to make Wingravia quirky and kind of weird, like having a ceremony where a goat (who is an honorary knight) chooses the Christmas tree for the town square.

The lack of world-building means that this movie doesn’t really establish stakes for Violet and Ryan’s relationship on her end. We know that he can’t date her during bootcamp, since he’s her commanding officer. But what about when she goes back to Wingravia? Like, is it totally cool for her to date an American commoner? There’s a throwaway line at the end about him getting a job at the Wingravian Military Academy, and between that and Violet’s attendance at the bootcamp in the first place, I am left wondering how close the relationship is between the US and Wingravia. Violet learned ASL to communicate with her dad, so this implies a certain closeness. But they have British accents! I need to stop trying to apply logic to these movies.

What does Christmas mean? Bootcamp and Christmas are both about teamwork and community.
Last minute plans/impending deadline? Ryan is called in because the original instructor dropped out at the last minute! And then he never would have fallen in love with Violet! There is also the impending deadline of bootcamp graduation.
Chemistry check? A lot is riding on their chemistry because this movie never has them talk about their feelings together before their romantic moment at the end. We see both of them telling other people that they can’t date because he’s her commanding officer (and not because they don’t want to date each other) so we can assume there are feelings there. But was I feeling anything? There were not a lot of sparks between them. I confess to having a crush on Derek Klena, so I was still happy to watch. He sang, he had a shirtless scene and baby-talked a cat. I will say, his hair looked so much better when he was working his civilian job for five minutes at the beginning. All of that about ladies “loving a man in uniform” ignores the fact that the hairstyles that go with uniforms are often not good.
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? Violet is nominally the Enthusiast and Ryan is the Grump, but it’s more like he’s forgotten how to have Christmas cheer. It’s very Maria/Captain Von Trapp of them. If Maria were a spoiled brat.
Dialogue highlight? “I mean, a stiletto camp I could consider. But, boot?”
How white and straight? The rest of the bootcamp attendees are fairly diverse, but if anyone is gay no one is asking and they are not telling.
Rating? 2.5 out of 5 festoons
Final verdict? For anyone else out there who was obsessed with the original Broadway cast of Anastasia in 2017-18, here you go. If you are morally opposed to romances featuring the military don’t break your ban for this one.

Sugarplummed
Guys, Hallmark is getting meta. Emily (Maggie Lawson, 4 Hallmark movies) is an overworked mother of two who just wants to have the Perfect Christmas with her husband and kids. When she wishes on a magical tree topper (just go with it) she brings Sugarplum (Janel Parrish, 5 Hallmark movies), the main character of a series of Christmas movies on the Harmony Home Network, out of the screen and into the real world. Sugarplum (or Sue Garplum, as Emily dubs her to make her sound more normal) takes this bit of Christmas magic in stride and goes about trying to help Emily achieve all the things on her Perfect Christmas List and explaining The Rules of Christmas movies. They include:
Rule 47: When a big city girl meets a small town bachelor over the holidays, they’re guaranteed to fall in love and get married.
Rule 51: When a festive competition is introduced into the story, a fun and winning new perspective on the holidays is guaranteed for all.
Rule 63: No high-paying job can ever match the rewards of reuniting with a high school sweetheart.
Rule 142: Flannel is a natural aphrodisiac.

“Sue” begins by helping Emily, but as time goes on her magic begins to fade and the rules stop working. Emily is so fixated on her idea of a Perfect Christmas that she’s not listening to her family when they tell her they don’t need or want a perfectly decorated house or perfectly staged Christmas card photo. They also don’t understand why Emliy’s “friend from college, Sue” is suddenly here even though she has never been mentioned before. Janel Parrish plays Sugarplum like a cross between Buddy the Elf and Mary Poppins, and it really sells the whole movie. Emily’s husband and kids kind of feel like afterthoughts, but their plots round out the story nicely. I appreciated that, even though a lot of The Rules were about falling in love, this meta narrative was not used for a rom-com. They even resisted the urge to give Sugarplum a love interest in the real world! Hallmark has been doing more sequels, and I could absolutely see them bringing Sugarplum back in future years.

What does Christmas mean? The perfect Christmas is perfectly imperfect.
Last minute plans/impending deadline? Somehow they just know that the magic will run out before Christmas if Sugarplum doesn’t help Emily get her wish.
Quaint town? Sugarplum often talks about her beloved home of Perfection, the ultimate quaint town.
Dialogue highlight? “Sir, this breaks at least three rules about handsome strangers bearing gifts at Christmastime.”
Rating? 4 out of 5 magical snow globes
Final verdict? A welcome breath of fresh, pepperminty air.

Leah’s Perfect Gift

Leah (Emily Arlook, 1 Hallmark movie) is invited by her boyfriend Graham (Evan Roderick, 6 Hallmark movies) to celebrate Christmas with his family — at the Last Minute, I should note. Leah is cool and hot and Jewish and in for a wild Oedipal ride for her first Christmas with Graham’s certified Boy Mom/Almond Mom. Barbara (never Barb) is so weird about Graham and Christmas in general, and poor Leah is left confused about what she is doing wrong. She isn’t doing anything wrong, Graham is the one who didn’t prepare her and isn’t aware enough of what his mom is doing to be much help for most of the movie. Maddie, Graham’s cool lesbian sister, could also have given Leah more detail about what to expect from their parents. I spent most of this movie being mad that none of these Connecticut WASPs were directly communicating, but that’s probably expecting too much.

It will probably not surprise you that Leah is expecting a proposal, because why else does a man in a movie bring his girlfriend to meet his parents at Christmas. I personally think Leah and Graham need to work on their communication skills a bit more before they get married. At least they’re on the same page about the important stuff, like snacks. It does help that they have Decent Chemistry, so I don’t feel compelled to tell Leah to run. I do think Graham needs to work on standing up to his parents, for Leah and for himself.

What does Christmas mean? Christmas has a funny way of bringing out people’s quirks! If that’s what you want to call it!
Quaint town? “They live in Connecticut, not Downton Abbey.”
Dialogue highlight? “Oh! App idea: GlueTube.”
Rating? 2 out of 5 terrarium ornaments
Final verdict? I wanted to punch Barbara too many times to really enjoy myself. I’m also personally offended that Graham’s high school sweetheart who Barbara is still in love with is named Julia.

Next up: Hanukkah on the Rocks, The Santa Class, and Following Yonder Star. The last full weekend of movies!