On the first day of Christmas

And we’re off! To an honestly kind of boring start.

I’m not sure why these two movies were chosen for the premier weekend. Both Jingle Bell Bride and Chateau Christmas feel like MadLibs Hallmark movies, but MadLibs the way Angela from The Office plays it: nice, tall, man.

Before we get into this totally okay pair of movies, a checklist of sorts. Not to be a boring business lady from a big city, but a few ground rules are good to have. For each movie, I’ll answer these questions.

Is the title a pun? Hallmark loves “punny” titles for their movies. They’ve started to run out of good ones though, so it will be interesting to see what they came up with this year.

How many other Hallmark movies have the two leads been in? Hallmark is like Wes Anderson is two ways: overly-twee aesthetics and casting the same actors over and over!

What does Christmas mean? In almost every made-for-tv Christmas movie, there comes a moment where someone will say what Christmas (or “this time of year”) is all about. It’s different every time!

Last minute plans/impending deadline? People are always saving businesses or planning parties the week before Christmas.

Real Santa? This isn’t as common these days, but I still like to note when they return to the “Santa is real!!” well.

How white? Hallmark has a track record of keeping its movies very white and very, very heterosexual. They’re trying, but how much?

Bingo? My aunt sent me Hallmark-branded Hallmark Christmas Movie bingo cards. Let’s see if any of these movies make bingo! (I’ve been using pennies to mark the bingo squares because I’m not making 23 copies of this bingo card)

First up, Jingle Bell Bride
Jessica is a fancy wedding planner in New York City, and she needs to get very specific flowers (jingle bell flowers!) for her demanding client. In a small town in Alaska, Matt helps his aunt run the farm that grows the flowers for the festival every winter (the Jingle Bell Festival!). The phrase “jingle bell” is said many times over the course of two hours.

Jessica is (of course) too busy to celebrate Christmas with her family and is up for a promotion that will take her far away from them. And Matt (of course) has some past relationship trauma that involves New York City. I will say, I did appreciate that this was a Hallmark movie that doesn’t act like cities are hellmouths that need to be escaped. It was surprisingly balanced on the small town vs. big city argument.

There were two moments that made me shout at my laptop. One, when Jessica’s bitchy coworker (who is trying to poach her client) brings her candy canes that she made?? From “a family recipe”?? What?? If you or anyone you know makes candy canes at home, please tell me, I have questions. The second moment came when Jessica revealed that (after flight delay shenanigans that extended her trip past her planned 20 hours) she had not brought her phone charger with her. Excuse me????? What kind of phone does she have?

There’s the usual snootiness from our Big City Heroine (“I think your welcome sign has a typo. It says population 112.”) and judginess from our Small Town Hero (Why can’t she relax and enjoy your town? Maybe because she’s here on a work trip, my guy?) The town is the usual Stars Hollow-lite. Its quirk factor is that, even though it has a population the size of a freshman lecture class at a mid-size university, it hosts an elaborate festival every year. And it has no hotels, B&Bs, or motels. People just stay with friends or family!

This is the sort of movie that can be very enjoyable with the right actors. While Julie Gonzalo is a great Hallmark actress (I know this sounds like a dig, but I mean it as a compliment. She’s just the right amount of earnest.) she and Ronnie Rowe Jr. do not have romantic chemistry.

FINAL RATING: 3 out of 5 jingle bell flowers

Is the title a pun? Not...really? It feels like it’s trying to be a play on words, but it’s not. The closest I can see to wordplay is that “bride” rhymes with “ride,” as in the lyric “oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh” from the song Jingle Bells. But this feels like a stretch. And the leading lady is not even the bride, it’s her client. I’m confused.

How many other Hallmark movies have the two leads been in? Julie Gonzalo: 2 fall movies (Falling for Vermont, Pumpkin Pie Wars) and 2 non-seasonal movies (Flip That Romance, The Sweetest Heart) You will likely recognize her from being the mean girl in movies starring Chad Michael Murray (she’s mean to Hillary Duff in A Cinderella Story, to Lindsay Lohan in Freaky Friday)
Ronnie Rowe Jr.: Zero! This is his Hallmark debut! Welcome, Ronnie.

What does Christmas mean? Christmas means hope!

Last minute plans/impending deadline? The wedding is in 8 days! And it’s on Christmas! And there are a few party planning emergencies leading up to the festival that allow her to show off her skills.

Real Santa? Not this time!

How white is this movie? The leads are Latina and Black, so this is some progress for Hallmark’s typically very white movies. And both of their families feature in the story, so they’re not isolated in a story full of white people.

Bingo? No. And not really close, either.

Chateau Christmas
Everyone in this movie referred to “The Chateau” the way the villagers might talk about Downton Abbey. Based on context clues, I figured out this movie is set in Colorado. Can someone who skis more than I do tell me if referring to your local fancy hotel as “The Chateau” is a thing?

This movie is about Margot Hammond (they said her name almost as often as they said “The Chateau”) a famous pianist who has lost her emotional connection to music. Her ex-boyfriend is helping his friend who works at The Chateau where Margot spends every Christmas with her family. I kept forgetting his name (I checked, it’s Jackson), but was very focused on the fact that his friend, Adam, has a family that is never seen even though everyone is talking about how important it is to spend the holidays with loved ones. We don’t even see Adam on the phone with his wife or child who are mentioned once and then never again!

Anyway. Jackson teaches music at the local university and is helping his buddy Adam plan The Chateau’s Christmas concert. Mishaps lead to Margot agreeing to be the headliner for the concert, and she and Jackson end up reuniting “the most famous classical musicians in the area,” the Lafayette Quartet. They’re basically the Fleetwood Mac of classical music in the Boulder area.

There are a lot of musical double entendres, such as: “Your Aunt Margot and I used to play music together.” “I wish we’d found our tempo.” “The music we made was magic.” “We had a musical connection.”

There’s a lot of party planning, which Jackson does point out is not really within the responsibilities of the musical director and headliner of a concert. I spent most of this movie wondering why Adam was so bad at his job. I would not recommend this movie, it was very bland and boring, and even Margot’s final, emotional rendition of “O Holy Night” was just fine.

FINAL RATING: 1 out of 5 violins

Is the title a pun? No, this is one of the more bland title types for Hallmark: What kind of Christmas is it/where is this Christmas? A much better title would have been something like A Merry Musical Christmas or The Christmas Quartet or Second Chance Christmas. Hallmark, call me!

How many other Hallmark movies have the two leads been in? Merritt Patterson: 3 Christmas movies (Picture a Perfect Christmas, Christmas at the Palace, The Christmas Cottage), 1 winter movie (A Royal Winter), and 1 non-seasonal movie (Forever in My Heart)
Luke Macfarlane: This week’s winner! 5 Christmas movies (Christmas Land, The Mistletoe Promise, Karen Kingsbury’s Maggie’s Christmas Miracle, A Shoe Addict’s Christmas, Sense, Sensibility & Snowmen), 1 Valentine’s Day movie (A Valentine’s Match), and 2 non-seasonal movies (The Birthday Wish, Just Add Romance)

What does Christmas mean? Christmas is a time for second chances!

Last minute plans/impending deadline? The Christmas concert is in 9 days!!!

Real Santa? No. But I’m keeping an eye out.

How white? There are two Black men in very minor roles.

Bingo? No! So far, bingo seems actually difficult to get.

I’m sorry I didn’t like these. I did watch Just In Time For Christmas (from 2015) on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries on Sunday afternoon and really enjoyed that. It has Michael Stahl-David, who I love from the weird metaphysical romance In Your Eyes, and Christopher “Doc Brown” Lloyd as a grandpa who makes a joke about time travel. If they air it again, I recommend watching it!

Tune in next week for hopefully better movies:

Saturday, October 31
Christmas with the Darlings, starring Katrina Law and Carlo Marks
Right before she moves on from her assistant title, Jessica (Law) helps her boss one last time by caring for his younger brother's (Marks) orphaned nieces and nephews. In due time, she learns the complications that arise from mixing business with pleasure.
Sunday, November 1
One Royal Holiday, starring Laura Osnes, Aaron Tveit, Krystal Joy Brown, Victoria Clark, and Tom McGowan
Anna (Osnes) rescues a mother and son during a blizzard, only to learn that they are actually royalty — part of the Royal Family of Galwick, to be exact. She takes this opportunity to show the young prince (Tveit) how to celebrate Christmas the non-royal way.