Rebels Without a Claus

Remember, "a gingerbread person makes a gingerbread house a gingerbread home."

We got a pretty good batch this week!

In Merry Measure

This movie is rivals-to-lovers, with I always enjoy. Darcy (Patti Murin) was a teenage pop star and is now trying to get record labels to appreciate her new music. She goes back home to Ohio to spend the holidays with her recently widowed sister and teenage niece, where she clashes with Adam (Brendan Penny), who directs the high school choir that he and Darcy were in back in the day. After Megan, Darcy’s niece, flubs her audition and Adam cuts her, Darcy decides to start her own choir to compete for the local Christmas carol singing competition (basically the Hallmark version of Glee sectionals).

The relationship between Darcy and her sister Gretchen was really lovely, shout out to Jocelyn from Schitt’s Creek who played Gretchen! I had a great time with this one! It was fun and funny, and all the performances delivered. I’m not always a big fan of child actors in general, and especially on Hallmark, but these teens were fine. I was kind of confused about this high school choir that seemingly only exists in the month of December, but let’s just roll with it.

What does Christmas mean? Christmas is more important than securing a record label contract! Although that is also great.
Is the title a pun? Music pun!
How many other Hallmark movies have the two leads been in? Patti Murin: 1 Christmas movie and 1 non-Christmas movie; Brendan Penny: 5 Christmas movies and 6 non-Christmas movies and 6 seasons of the Hallmark series Chesapeake Shores
Last minute plans/impending deadline? Darcy’s choir is formed very last minute, and she also gets a very last minute meeting with a record label.
Chemistry check? Excellent. Their banter is very good.
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? He’s kind of a Christmas Grump, but he’s mostly just very Type A.
Quaint town? Eh, this movie is not really focused on any quaintness Dayton, Ohio might possess, It’s mostly set in the high school building.
Dialogue highlight? “No matter how hard I push myself, I was never going to sing like Celine. And no matter how hard she pushed herself, Celine Dion would have never been able to flatten me and sack my quarterback.”
How white and straight? Statistically speaking, I’m pretty sure at least half of every high school choir is gay. But no one in this movie is confirmed to be not straight. I’ve written before about how much Hallmark relies on the Black Best Friend trope so that their movies are not 100% white, but I have to shout out how hilarious and specifically weird Adam’s best friend Rick is. He’s just a high school football coach who loves pop female vocalists! I love him. I would share a Minty Christmas Mega Mint Latte with him any day.
Pet peeve? Why is this high school choir competition on December 23rd? Why are they making teachers work over winter break??
Hot cocoa? The preferred beverage to comfort an angsty teen who did not get into the Christmas choir.
Rating? 5 out of 5 awkward front seat hugs.
Final verdict? Watch it! Have fun!

The Royal Nanny

With Will Kemp’s terrible American accent in Jolly Good Christmas a couple weeks ago, I theorized that Hallmark was scared to go without an American character. But here I am, proven wrong! Not an American to be found! Rachel Skarsten (who plays MI5 agent Claire) is Canadian, but she does a passable British accent. She sounds the way I think I do when I’m doing my Emma Watson impression.

I was worried about this one (see my earlier comment about child actors) but the kids were actually not a huge focus in this movie. They were more of a plot device than actual characters, which was for the best. Claire and her team find evidence of a threat against the royal family (The actual British royal family, not a fictional European country! I mean, a fictional version of the British royal family. I wonder if they always planned for the sovereign in this one to be a king rather than a queen, or if they changed it last minute. Princess Rose, who is first in line for the throne, is definitely styled after Kate Middleton, and Prince Colin’s devotion to his charity work feels like it takes inspiration from Prince Harry. Anyway!) so Claire is sent undercover as the nanny so that they can investigate. She ends up being pretty good at nannying and also ends up falling for Prince Colin, the fun uncle to her young charges. Their love language is pranks, which I personally cannot get behind, but you do you.

What does Christmas mean? Christmas is a time to give hope and joy to children in need!
Is the title a pun? No, and they don’t even mention Christmas!
How many other Hallmark movies have the two leads been in? Rachel Skarsten: 1 Christmas movie and 1 non-Christmas movie; Dan Jeannotte: this is his first movie, but he’s been in a few seasons of the series Good Witch
Last minute plans/impending deadline? I guess we could consider that the criminals have a deadline they are working toward in general, but once someone gets kidnapped there is a very imminent deadline.
Chemistry check? Pretty good. Even though they were both in my beloved Reign (RIP The CW) they never interacted on that show, but they clearly have any ease and familiarity with each other.
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? Claire is a Christmas Orphan. Literally, she grew up in a children’s home and was never adopted. Colin obviously always had lavish royal Christmases, but he has found that he loves it more when he gives gifts than when he receives them.
Quaint town? The palace is rather more grand than quaint.
Dialogue highlight? “It’s alright, I didn’t grow up in a Dickens novel.”
How white and straight? Quite.
Pet peeve? Having read The Royal We by Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan, I was shocked to see Colin casually introducing Claire as his date at the charity gala. What about the protocol?!
Hot cocoa? The preferred late night drink of princesses and undercover nannies. Rating? 4.5 out of 5 noodle buckets
Final verdict? Worth checking out at least the first half hour so that you can see the nanny self-defense class taught by “Scary Poppins.”

Christmas at the Golden Dragon

Hallmark has tried a Love Actually-ish multi-storyline movie before, and as before I fear that the two-hour runtime including commercials (that ends up being 1 hour and 20 minutes of movie time) is not enough time for all of these characters. We have:

The Chens:
Romy - lives in New York City and longs for a “real Christmas” after spending all her holidays working at the family restaurant, the Golden Dragon in Wichita

Rick - Romy’s younger brother who dropped out of college and still works at the Golden Dragon, he dreams of becoming a chef

Sue and Jim - Romy and Rick’s parents who announce that they are selling the Golden Dragon and moving to Arizona

The Golden Dragon regulars:
Jane - a lonely widower whose daughter is constantly working

Veronica - Jane’s daughter who is still holding a lot of resentment toward her dad while also trying to become pregnant via IVF

Nate - a stressed-out newly single dad with two daughters who works with Veronica

Miguel - a high school senior who works at the Golden Dragon and is worried about how he’s going to afford college

Jack - an older gentlemen who recently had a stroke (he has the least fleshed-out storyline, he just pops in to give advice to other characters) (yes he is the only Black main character)

Plus ones:
Blake - Romy’s boyfriend who invites her to spend Christmas with his family in Vermont

Sadie - Rick’s crush from high school, a tertiary character who I just wanted to point out because she is Jewish and this movie acknowledges that not everyone is celebrating Christmas for a minute! And then it gets right back to all Christmas, all the time.

The various plotlines overlap and interweave, with Romy serving as the main lead and Veronica kind of seeming like a secondary lead based on screen time and the fact that the two of them get the biggest emotional climaxes to their stories.

What does Christmas mean? Christmas is about being with the people you love and connecting with your community.
Is the title a pun? No, this is the old standard: “Christmas at Location”
How many other Hallmark movies have the two leads been in? There isn’t really a central couple (Romy and Blake’s storyline is much more about Romy) and I think I will pass on this rather than go through all 9 main characters.
Last minute plans/impending deadline? The Golden Dragon’s last day of business is Christmas Eve!
Chemistry check? None of the romantic couples had amazing chemistry, but Veronica and Nate were probably the strongest.
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? Romy is the Christmas Enthusiast and Blake’s family are all Normal Christmas People. Romy really wants the cheesy Christmas movie experience. Gingerbread houses! Singing carols in Victorian-ish dress! A big home-cooked meal! Opening presents on Christmas morning! Of course she learns that it’s not the trappings that matter, it’s the people. And Blake’s family are very kind about this woman bursting into their family holiday and making them do all these activities because she thinks they’re supposed to.
Quaint town? Romy expects Vermont to be extremely quaint (hilariously, it’s captioned as “Vermont, USA” so they’re not even anywhere specific) but Blake’s hometown seems like pretty average suburbia.
Dialogue highlight? “Babe, there’s nothing more ‘Christmas’ than football.”
How white and straight? You would think with this many characters at least one of them could have been not straight, but no! At least this is more diverse in other ways.
Pet peeve? How could Miguel have gotten into multiple colleges on early decision?
Hot cocoa? Rick and Sadie get hot cocoa on their quasi-date. They also go to a skating rink that I definitely recognize from one of last year’s movies.
Rating? 3.5 out of 5 takeout containers
Final verdict? Ultimately I felt like there were too many characters for me to get really invested in any of them, but this was still a pleasant watch.

Coming up this weekend:
Inventing the Christmas Prince - Sadly not about the writing of Netflix’s modern classic A Christmas Prince. Rather: “Shelby is about to quit her job as a rocket engineer when her daughter becomes convinced that her Scrooge-like boss, Evan, is the Christmas Prince from a story Shelby invented years ago.” Huh?

Three Wise Men and a Baby - Three guys have to take care of a baby. Tale as old as time.

When I Think of Christmas - Another musical movie, this time about exes who reunite in their hometown after their lives lead them away from their original plan of performing music together.