Santa Drives an Astrovan
"Christmas is my business"
I’m bracing myself for the onslaught of Christmas movies that is the Hallmark Thanksgiving weekend schedule. I already know I’ll be missing Friday’s movies in favor of seeing Wicked. We’ll see how many I can force my family to watch.
Christmas on Call
This movie is Hallmark’s answer to the Chicago Med/PD/Fire franchise. We follow a group of first responders who are (Title Drop) on call for the Christmas season in Philadelphia. The central romance is between Hannah (Sara Canning, 2 Hallmark movies) and Wes (Ser’Darius Blain, 1 Hallmark movie) who are an ER doctor and EMT. We also get stories from their coworkers and Wes’s cousin Danielle, who is a cop. Hannah is new in town, and after a couple of interactions Wes offers to be her guide to Philly for the holiday season. Donna Kelce cameos as Donna, the woman who works at the cheesesteak place where Wes takes Hannah to get classic Philly experience. I assume she is not meant to actually be Donna Kelce? Does Donna Kelce actually own a sandwich shop in Philly? I’m confused.
This was a little more on the dramatic side for Hallmark, less of a straight rom com. There is a dramatic emergency involving one of their own! There are heartfelt reunions and Christmas decorations in honor of fallen firefighters! I enjoyed the different pace and the fact that, unlike a lot of the New York-set Hallmark movies, this movie actually reflected the diversity of the city. Except when it comes to football. Go Birds!
What does Christmas mean? Regarding working on Christmas: “What’s more Christmassy than helping people?”
Chemistry check? Pretty good!
Dialogue highlight? “Look how beautiful this dinosaur with a candy cane in his mouth is.”
Pet peeve? A mild one, but as with most of these multi-storyline movies it felt like they were trying to fit in too much. They could’ve cut the Donna Kelce cameo and had more about the nurse at Hannah’s hospital.
Rating? 3.5 out of 5 Eagles hats
Final verdict? A nice time, but nothing outstanding.
Three Wiser Men and a Boy
We get three Oedipal complexes for the price of one! In this sequel to 2022’s Three Wise Men and a Baby, brothers Luke, Stephan, and Taylor (Andrew Walker, Paul Campbell, and Tyler Hynes — all with dozens of Hallmark movies between them) are back and the baby is now a five year old named Thomas. Luke, Sophie, and Thomas are now a family and Luke is chief of his fire station. Stephan and Susie live together, but are going through a rough patch in their relationship related to Stephan’s new book. Taylor is still working on making his independent video game design work, and his love interest from the last movie is nowhere to be seen. He gets the romantic subplot in this movie with Caroline, a struggling musician who his brother’s point out is basically a cooler girl version of Taylor. So who knows if this relationship will make it to the third movie. The main plot of this movie is about the brothers having a hard time (to put it mildly) accepting their mom’s new boyfriend Pastor Roy.
When their shenaniganry leads them to being forced to supervise Thomas’ school Christmas pageant (“How the Grump Ruined Christmas”) at the Last Minute, the brothers need to work together and learn to accept Pastor Roy as a nice dude who just wants to help.
What does Christmas mean? Christmas is not about upstaging your son/nephew’s Christmas pageant in order to prove that you’re better than your mom’s new boyfriend, that’s for sure.
Chemistry check? As before, these three guys create believable sibling energy.
Quaint town? Ah, the quaint town of Seattle.
Dialogue highlight? “What’s the school board’s policy on black market penguins?”
How white and straight? Very very.
Rating? 4.5 out of 5 Whats down in What Town
Final verdict? Not as good as the first one, but definitely a strong follow-up.
To Have and to Holiday
In the battle of the pastors, I’m picking Pastor Roy from Three Wiser Men and a Boy over Pastor Dad in this movie. He seems a lot more chill. When she returns to her Quaint Connecticut Hometown from New York City, Celeste surprises her parents — Pastor Dad and Mayor Mom — with Jason, her boyfriend of three months who invited himself to her family Christmas at the Last Minute. Also last minute? When Celeste learns that her dad’s church will need to be renovated and says she always hoped to get married in that church, no renovations, Jason proposes that they get married in three weeks on Christmas Eve. We later meet Jason’s parents and find out they got engaged after two days, so I guess it runs in the family. Pastor Dad is not happy, and tells them he will only marry them if they successfully complete his marriage boot camp like any other couple.
Of course he wants them to fail, and of course it only brings them closer together. Logically I am on Pastor Dad’s side about how crazy this is, but I can’t condone how he goes about it. He acts like a petulant child and only pushes Celeste closer to Jason (and New York City) and takes his cool Mayor Wife for granted.
What does Christmas mean? This movie is more about marriage and father-daughter relationships than Christmas.
Is the title a pun? Indeed!
Chemistry check? Fine? They do seem very into each other, but in a freshman year of college kind of way. They look so young, it’s hard to take them seriously about getting married so fast.
Dialogue highlight? “It’s not all gumdrop ottomans in the real world, Judith.”
How white and straight? Mostly white, very very straight.
Rating? 2.5 out of 5 overrated hot chocolates
Final verdict? Inoffensively cute, unless rushed marriages offend you.
Next up, the gauntlet of the Thanksgiving movie marathon! Thursday: Debbie Macomber’s Joyful Mrs. Miracle. Friday: A ‘90s Christmas and Deck the Walls. Saturday: Believe in Christmas and Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story. Sunday: The Finnish Line and The Christmas Quest. I’m already tired just typing all of that.