Snowmen doing the hokey pokey

That's what it's all about

A little refresher on how this all works:
I’ll give you a short plot summary for each of this past weekend’s movies. I like to keep track of Hallmark’s usual Christmas movie tricks and tropes, along with some personal observations. Those are bolded in the summary or listed after the review. Each movie gets an extremely subjective rating and my recommendation. I’ll go ahead and say none of these are worth running out to watch now, especially if you’re a person who’s opposed to Christmas stuff before Halloween. Hallmark rarely schedules the really good stuff in October anyway. Feel free to catch any of these when they rerun later in the season!

‘Twas the Date Before Christmas
This movie is allegedly “inspired by a true story” according to the opening credits, and if anyone reading this has heard of this happening to real person please let me know. In a Generic Big City, Jessie (Amy Groening, 9 Hallmark movies) goes on a very stereotypical beginning-of-a-rom-com montage of bad dates while Bryan (Robert Buckley, 3 Hallmark movies) is struggling to find his place at the company his dad left behind when he died. When Jessie’s mom tells her that the family is thinking of canceling their traditional Christmas Eve celebration, Jessie lies and says she’s bringing a guy she’s been seeing and she hyped up these traditions to him. Easily convinced by the fact that this man she’s never heard of before is looking forward to their family traditions, Jessie’s mom caves and the activities are back on. Of course, now Jessie has to find a guy for what she calls “Blind Date Christmas.”

Bryan is a Sad Christmas Orphan, so when he sees Jessie’s dating app profile he is intrigued by her request for someone to join her for family Christmas as their first date and happily agrees to the Last Minute Plan. Of course, it immediately starts to fall apart. Bryan assumed that Jessie’s family knew the deal, while Jessie’s mom assumed that Bryan’s presence means he’s Jessie’s boyfriend. Slight spoiler: We learn later on in the movie that less than a year has passed since Jessie’s fiance died and this is her first Christmas without him. This explains why Jessie is so desperate to hold onto family traditions, but not why her mom accepts her alleged new boyfriend so quickly. I don’t know, I just think that I would be more worried that my daughter seemed to be moving on so fast.

In spite of the more serious tone of Jessie’s backstory, this movie is mostly Hijinks Ensuing. The family tradition here is the 23rd Annual Chamberlain Family Christmas Olympics, run with an iron fist and holiday zeal by Jessie’s Aunt Lily. In spite of being a total rookie, Bryan does very well in the competition and begins to bond with Jessie and her family. But, in addition to Jessie’s past heartbreak getting in the way, Bryan is dealing with a work conflict that surprisingly intersects with Jessie’s family. Would it really be a Hallmark Christmas movie if people weren’t Inexplicably Doing Business on Christmas?

What does Christmas mean? “Christmas is a time to reflect about the past, but also look forward and let new people in.”
Is the title a pun? It’s a date before Christmas, and also the day before Christmas, taking place entirely on Christmas Eve. Double pun!
Chemistry check? Decent! It helps that they’re not trying to sell you on everlasting love, just a really good first date.
Dialogue highlight? “She sounds like she’s gonna harvest your organs, do not engage.”
How white and straight? Very straight and not entirely white. At least Shelly, Jessie’s sister-in-law, has much more of a plot of her own than the typical Hallmark Black Best Friend.
Pet peeve? I understand that they do this to economize the number of named characters with speaking roles, but everyone’s best friend is always their sister-in-law or their coworker. I don’t have that many friends but even I have plenty of friends I don’t work with or am related to!
Rating? 3 out of 5 rhubarb pies

Holiday Crashers
As the Pun Title indicates, this is Hallmark’s take on Wedding Crashers. Toni (Lyndsy Fonseca, 4 Hallmark movies) and Bri (Daniella Monet, new to the Hallmark scene) are best friends who live together and work at a stationery store in Quaint Connecticut. Neither of them is particularly passionate about stationery, and to alleviate their boredom and frustration, Bri suggests snagging extra invitations that they print for holiday parties around town and crashing them to have some fun. If you’ve seen Wedding Crashers, you can guess the general beats this story follows. It’s not a perfect 1:1, but I would say broadly Toni is the Owen Wilson and Bri is the Vince Vaughn.

Through some truly impressive Farcical Miscommunication, Toni ends up agreeing to go to the corporate retreat for some investment company run by a guy she has a crush on (Bri snags an invite as her plus one) in order to provide him with legal advice. The problem? She never actually finished the bar exam. While Toni is trying to avoid actually committing a felony, Bri flirts with Vinny, who runs the valet for the event, and discovers her true calling as an event planner. Vinny is much hotter than Justin, Toni’s love interest, and also an extremely nice and normal person unlike Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers. Team Vinny! Team Bri! Justin is very bland and he and Toni have Lukewarm Chemistry.

Of course, everything works out in the end. Toni avoids jail time, Justin eventually gets over being lied to, Toni’s subplot about her dad that I forgot to mention works out, and Bri and Vinny get married. As I’m tracking How White and Straight these movies are, I will point out that Vinny and Bri have a traditional Indian wedding (well, much smaller than an actual traditional Indian wedding, Hallmark’s budget is not that big) which is something I don’t think Hallmark has ever shown before. I love movies that end with everybody dancing, so I’m kind of miffed they didn’t go that far, but Vinny and Bri do get to dance for their guests. And Justin and Toni get to dance too, but whatever. If I liked the main romance as much as the secondary one, I might have had a better time with this movie.

What does Christmas mean? Christmas is about actually being yourself. Or, as Love Actually put it, at Christmas you tell the truth.
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? Toni is the grump and Bri is the enthusiast in their friendship.
Dialogue highlight? Toni went to “Haltward Law School” which, when spoken aloud in the movie, sounds like they’re trying to say Harvard without getting sued.
Pet peeve? This is so specific, but Justin is always wearing a thin turtleneck under a tightly-fitted blazer, and I find this to be one of the worst looks in men’s fashion.
Rating? 2.5 out of 5 swag bags

Scouting for Christmas
I just typed that and thought, hmm that’s not really a Pun Title, is it? I watched this entire movie without putting together that the plot of this movie revolves around an event thrown by the Sunny Scouts, aka the Knockoff Girl Scouts. They’re getting too clever for me now.

Angela (Tamera Mowry-Housley, 7 Hallmark movies) is a Single Parent Struggling to Do It All and William (Carlo Marks, 9 Hallmark movies) owns the local bakery that is a favorite of Brooklyn, Angela’s daughter. It’s called Sir Bakes-a-Bunch, which isn’t relevant to the plot but did irk me because shouldn’t it be Sir Bakes-a-Lot? Through plot machinations which frankly take too long to be set up, Angela and William end up working together to present a pitch to the dictatorial Den Mother Elizabeth for Sir Bakes-a-Bunch to cater the Sunny Scouts’ annual community holiday ball. Working toward that Impending Deadline, they find themselves falling for each other.

There are subplots about William’s mom pressuring him to expand the business and Angela’s shitty ex Dakota coming back into town, but they are not very important. More than the other two movies this weekend, this feels less like a plot and more like various excuses strung together to keep these two from just going on a date. And the only reason they get into all of this is because neither of them is willing to tell a 10-year-old girl no. They seem happy enough at the end of it all!

What does Christmas mean? Christmas is a time to be brave and ask for help. It is also not the time to sign any important contracts or get back together with your ex. Save that for January, if you must.
Chemistry check? I admit to having a preference for more snappy banter, so this awkward-sweet almost-flirting didn’t do it for me.
Dialogue highlight? “I think you’ve got too much flour in your eyes to see what’s right in front of your face!”
How white and straight? In addition to having a Black female lead, this movie also brings in a less traditional family structure. Dakota was a widower with a daughter when Angela married him, and she adopted Brooklyn and clearly became the primary caregiver.
Pet peeve? People are always pouring full cups of coffee or hot chocolate for each other and then dramatically leaving the conversation two minutes later without taking a sip. What a waste!
Rating? 2 out of 5 hot chocolate cupcakes

I’m not feeling the urge to put away my Halloween decorations in favor of the holly and the ivy just yet. These were an acceptable way to amuse my bouche for the main course to come. In a way, it’s all just a warmup for the Thanksgiving weekend marathon. Coming up this weekend, we have: Operation Nutcracker, The Christmas Charade, and The 5-Year Christmas Party.