Stop and smell the pine trees
Come for the Hallmark movies, hopefully stay for the Katie Holmes discussion?
I recorded both of this weekend’s movies and watched them later. I kept putting it off, and not even for a good reason. I started rewatching Dawson’s Creek and then I couldn’t stop. Dylan Neal, who stars in Christmas She Wrote, showed up as Pacey’s brother, which did help remind me that I really should watch these movies so I can write this newsletter. Unless you want me to pivot and start talking about episodes of a teen drama that aired over 20 years ago. I have thoughts about Joey’s rendition of “On My Own” at the beauty pageant! Oh man, you know who probably could have had a great Hallmark movie career were it not for Scientology? Come on, you know Katie Holmes could really deliver “There’s no such thing as a bad time for hot chocolate” or “Christmas is a time for family. And that means new family, too.”
Anyway, the first movie here is part of a series, and no, I have not seen any of the previous Christmas in Evergreen movies. Let’s dig in.
Christmas in Evergreen: Bells Are Ringing
Unfortunately, I was not rooting for the central relationship in this movie. I wanted Elliott and his bowties and vests to just go to Boston and leave Hannah alone! Hannah is lovely and she doesn’t need you Elliott! Hannah is the sister of Thomas, the male lead in the previous movie (Christmas in Evergreen 3). Thomas is stuck at his logging camp in Maine while his fiancee Michelle (who is also the mayor) plans their Christmas wedding. Other Evergreen citizens include Ashley Williams in her second Hallmark movie this year (she was the lead in Christmas in Evergreen 1 or 2) as well as people I assume were in the previous movies. At one point some guy named Ezra shows up and they’re like “Ezra!!” and he talks about breaking up with his boyfriend and then kind of disappears. There are maybe too many characters.
At the center of all of this is Hannah’s new job managing the new Evergreen Christmas Museum. Before it can open, she has to convince a grumpy old man who didn’t consent to his sisters handing their family’s old factory over to be turned into a museum. Evergreen is a SUPER Christmassy town (like, every building and room in this town is decorated within an inch of its life) and the museum is Mayor Michelle’s idea to celebrate that. Evergreen is a town “built on a Christmas wish.” I don’t know what that means, but multiple people say that.
If I had seen the previous movies I probably would have enjoyed more of the references and side characters, but I was still able to have a decently good time with this movie. There was just way too much happening. Hallmark movies are best when there is at most a B plot, but this one has a C plot a D plot and also kind of an E plot. It’s too much! Like, the titular bells are the E plot.
I know Hallmark keeps telling us there’s no such thing as too much Christmas, but Evergreen is A LOT of Christmas. The Christmas Museum does at least make sense, given how much these people love it. In addition to the obscene amount of decorations and entirely green and red color scheme, there’s a big cookie baking gathering, featuring this extremely obvious Nestle Toll House product placement. This is totally how you hold a bag of chocolate chips:
This movie was so ridiculously stuffed with Hallmark’s specific vision of Christmas, so in a way it is the most Hallmark Christmas movie this year. But we already have Love Actually, and even that didn’t do a perfect job of balancing its storylines. I would have loved to see just a movie about Hannah trying to charm Mr. Cooper into helping her with the Christmas Museum without all the other stories making it feel cluttered.
FINAL RATING: 3 out of 5 old hat factories
Is the title a pun? This is an example of Hallmark’s kind of awkward sequel naming system. It’s like when The Hunger Games books were adapted into movies and the studio was worried we wouldn’t know that Catching Fire was a sequel so they called it The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. Look, not everyone is JK Rowling (thank god) and plans out a naming convention that is very sequel-friendly.
How many other Hallmark movies have the two leads been in? Obviously, they have appeared in earlier entries in the Evergreen Cinematic Universe: Christmas in Evergreen: Tidings of Joy (2019), Christmas in Evergreen: Letters to Santa (2018), and Christmas in Evergreen (2017)
Rukiya Bernard: 3 Christmas movies (Debbie Macomber’s Dashing Through the Snow, Christmas in Canaan, The Most Wonderful Time of the Year), 3 winter movies (One Winter Weekend, One Winter Proposal, Hearts of Winter), and 1 non-seasonal (Just the Way You Are)
Antonio Cayonne: 2 Christmas movies (Jingle Around the Clock, It’s Christmas, Eve), 1 non-seasonal movies (Fashionably Yours, A Taste of Summer), 3 Valentine’s movies (Matching Hearts, A Dash of Love, Appetite for Love)
What does Christmas mean? Evergreen is all about Christmas, Christmas is all about Evergreen.
Last minute plans/impending deadline? Hannah has to convince Mr. Cooper to let them open the Evergreen Christmas Museum! Right before Christmas Eve!
Real Santa? There is an old man in town named Nick who is alarmingly Santa-like!
How white? This and the previous Christmas in Evergreen movie both centered on a Black couple, and in general the Evergreen Cinematic Universe reflects Hallmark’s attempts to bring more diversity into the main cast.
Bingo? Yes! A town with a Christmas Museum can be counted on for bingo, at least.
Christmas She Wrote
Kaleigh King is a columnist with the Empire City Globe, and she’s basically Carrie Bradshaw (but actually qualified to give life advice because she used to be a therapist). Tripp Windham (yes this is his name) is the new editor hired to “cut the fat.” When he meets with Kayleigh, she rightly guesses that she’s “the fat” and her column is no more. But wait! The newspaper’s owner (a grumpy old man played by the same actor who played grumpy old man Mr. Cooper in Christmas in Evergreen: Bells are Ringing!) has heard reader complaints and demand that Tripp Windham get Kaleigh back! And so he stalks her to her hometown of Pineberry, California and refuses to leave until she agrees to come back to New York and restart her column.
We get the classics with this one. Tripp is a Christmas Grump/Skeptic, Kayleigh is a Christmas Enthusiast. She has a Troubled Romantic Past (she says her ex “left for Haiti two weeks before a Christmas Eve wedding”) and he grew up with Cold Rich Kid Christmas. Kaleigh’s got a sassy gay friend and a widowed older sister, who both get romance subplots.
I was briefly very derailed by the fact that Kayleigh’s ex, Dan, is much hotter than Tripp. And Dylan Neal looks like he’s wearing blush. I have nothing against men wearing make up, it was just very distracting because it was definitely trying to look natural and was not succeeding. But Danica McKellar and Dylan Neal do have good chemistry together. Danica McKellar is the third in the Hallmark triumvirate with Candace Cameron Bure and Lacey Chabert. And Katie Holmes makes four, in my alternate timeline fantasy. Of course, in this alternate timeline where she never dates Tom Cruise and maybe just doesn’t do Batman Begins and they cast Maggie Gyllenhaal from the start Suri Cruise would not exist and I feel kind of bad for willing her out of existence. Did you know Suri Cruise is 14 years old now? What is time?
Anyway…This movie is fun! There are dinner party shenanigans and holiday montages! Punny Christmas cocktail names (the Klaus-mopolitan) and chopping down Christmas trees and this great ski sweater on Steven:
FINAL RATING: 4 out of 5 burnt pies
Is the title a pun? An obvious reference to Murder, She Wrote. I wish Angela Lansbury were here!
How many other Hallmark movies have the two leads been in? Danica McKellar: 5 Christmas movies (Christmas at Dollywood, Christmas at Grand Valley, Coming Home for Christmas, My Christmas Dream, Crown for Christmas), 5 non-seasonal movies (Love and Sunshine, Love in Design, Campfire Kiss, Wedding Bells, Perfect Match), and 1 Valentine’s movie (Very, Very Valentine)
Dylan Neal: 1 Christmas movie (Looks Like Christmas) and 1 Fall movie (Truly, Madly, Sweetly)
What does Christmas mean? There is no better time than Christmas to fall in love!
Last minute plans/impending deadline? Tripp needs to convince Kayleigh to come back to the paper or he’ll lose his job! There isn’t a time limit on this, but the whole thing happens in the two weeks before Christmas.
Real Santa? No, but Kayleigh’s sister does have a creepy full size Santa decoration on her porch that lurks in the background of shots.
How white? A return to Hallmark’s usual main white cast with a few people of color in tertiary roles.
Bingo? So close this time!
Next week, Hallmark tries Hanukkah and Tamera Mowry-Housley travels back in time!