I know when that hotline bling

Talking turkey (and lighthouses and kilts)

Happy Thanksgiving! Starting tonight we get seven movies between now and Sunday night, a veritable Thanksgiving feast of Hallmark movies.

Navigating Christmas
On the Quaint Island of St. Nicholas Island (presumably somewhere in Puget Sound based on its proximity to Seattle) recently-divorced single mom Melanie (Chelsea Hobbs, 6 Hallmark movies) and antisocial lighthouse owner Peter (Stephen Huszar, 10 Hallmark movies) meet when she rents his lighthouse as a Christmas getaway for her an her teenage son, Jason. It’s all so Last Minute (Jason’s dad was supposed to take him to Whistler but had to cancel because his girlfriend got sick and Melanie can’t take him because she doesn’t have a passport) that Melanie didn’t realize that she had signed them up to decorate the lighthouse for the town’s Big Christmas Event. There are actually a lot of Christmas Events and Local Legends about “Sir Saint Nicholas” coming to the island, which I found confusing timeline-wise because one of them involves the lighthouse which doesn’t look that old.

For someone who allegedly despises Christmas, Peter is not actually that much of a Christmas Grump. He was very eager to help out Melanie and Jason once he got over whatever mood he was in during their bad first impression, and in general I found this actor’s demeanor to be too cheerful to be a believable curmudgeon. He just wore a lot of flannel and didn’t want to put up lights all over the lighthouse by himself. Peter and Jason bond pretty quickly, and while there is some angst on Jason’s part about his parents really never getting back together and some minor conflict about Peter maybe possibly selling the lighthouse to an Evil Real Estate Developer, there isn’t much in the way of Melanie and Peter getting together and needing to figure out how to do a long distance relationship that relies on a ferry.

What does Christmas mean? Christmas is a time to be open to something (or someone) new.
Is the title a pun? Indeed. And don’t we all need the lighthouse of those we love to help us navigate the choppy waters of the holidays?
Chemistry check? Decent, but there’s not much zing to their banter.
Dialogue highlight? “How can you tell anyone apart in this sea of flannel?”
How white and straight? Mostly white, extremely straight. Pet peeve? Claire, Melanie’s Black Best Friend, is introduced at the beginning of the movie and then only shows up for one phone call later. In fact, all of Melanie’s Seattle scenes at the beginning don’t really add much to the story and probably could have been swapped for more time on the island.
Hot cocoa? Jason has a subplot romance with the mayor’s daughter that involves a couple hot chocolate dates.
Rating? 2.5 out of 5 snow machines
Final verdict? This just didn’t do very much to distinguish itself.

A Merry Scottish Christmas
Estranged siblings Lindsay (Lacey Chabert, 34 Hallmark movies including another one this year!) and Brad (Scott Wolf, just 1 other Hallmark movie), along with Brad’s wife Sarah, head to Scotland to visit their mother. They believe that she is just like any other resident of the Quaint Town of Glencrave, but she is actually a disowned duchess! After she ran away to America and had her kids, her parents died and her brother became the Duke of Glencrave. Now he’s dead and Lindsay and Brad need to decide if they want to inherit or sell the estate. As they say a couple times in this movie, it’s all very Downton Abbey.

In addition to feeling betrayed by their mother keeping all of this from them, Brad and Lindsay are dealing with the fact that they are not as close as they were when they were kids. They used to make up weird-sounding Hot Cocoa recipes together, now they barely talk. But the magic of Christmas at Glencrave can heal all relationship rifts. Also at Glencrave is Mac, the groundskeeper and hot, appropriately aged single man for Lindsay to begin a romance with. Mac is really doing the hard sell for Lindsay staying and inheriting Glencrave, and she is much stronger than me because if a hot Scottish man asked me to move into a castle that he was willing to do the upkeep for I would not be dragging my feet!

What does Christmas mean? Christmas is the perfect time to reveal your long-held family secrets!
Is the title a pun? A Merry Scottish Christmas, a Very Scottish Christmas…okay
Last minute plans/impending deadline? They need to act fast to decide if they are going to inherit or sell!
Chemistry check? I never watched Party of Five, but apparently Chabert and Wolf played siblings on that show. So they have actual history together that informs their relationship. As far as the romantic chemistry goes, I found there to be basically none between Brad and Sarah and a moderate amount between Lindsay and Mac. There is a fun cameo from Will Kemp, as Mac’s brother-in-law, who starred in 2020’s Christmas Waltz with Lacey Chabert, and they kind of have better chemistry.
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? We’re all Christmas Enthusiasts in Scotland!
Dialogue highlight? “I don’t think folk rock is a prerequisite for being a bad parent.”
How white and straight? These European-set movies usually are, which is not an accurate representation of real Europe!
Pet peeve? More than once, the Americans are encouraged to join traditional Highland dancing. Then they jump around in a way that seems like it’s making fun of actual Highland dancing but everyone acts like this is so great to have some random guy jumping around like a goofball in front of the actual performers onstage?
Rating? 3.5 out of 5 Dirty Reindeers
Final verdict? I commend Lacey Chabert for getting Hallmark to pay her for her European vacations. If you want beautiful Scottish scenery and charming Scottish accents, this definitely has less murder and sexual assault than Outlander.

Holiday Hotline
Abby (Emily Tennant, 5 Hallmark movies) has left London after a bad breakup with a fellow chef and meets Jack (Niall Matter, 15 Hallmark movies) when he yells at her for accidentally breaking the antique doorknob on the front door of her aunt’s apartment where she is staying in Chicago. See, Jack is an architect who restores old buildings (including Abby’s aunt’s building) and he cannot bear to see her mistreat a historical artifact so! After getting off on the wrong foot in person, Abby and Jack have a much better first meeting over the phone. Abby is taking over her neighbor Margaret’s shift at the Holiday Hotline for people who need help cooking their Thanksgiving and Christmas turkeys. After some miscommunications, as well as getting yelled at for being a British person telling an American how to make a turkey for an American holiday, Abby decides to use an American accent and the pseudonym “Peggy.” This is explained away as “my mum is American!” but the actress is Canadian and her British accent is not great, so the American accent is much better. It is in this context that Jack calls, and gives his name as “John” which is his given name, asking for help making a turkey for Thanksgiving.

“Peggy” and “John” click immediately, and he tells her his whole story. His wife died three years ago and he wants to make a big Christmas dinner, just like the old days, for his daughter who seems to be twelve or maybe seven. He’s doing Thanksgiving dinner as a practice run, and ends up calling back multiple times to ask “Peggy” for cooking advice and also to flirt with bad dad jokes. As “Peggy” and “John” fall in love while “talking turkey,” Abby and Jack keep running into each other in the neighborhood around the apartment building (Chicago is basically a Quaint Town). Abby bonds with Jack’s daughter through teaching her the proper way to drink Hot Cocoa (by spraying a dollop of whipped cream before every sip) and soon Jack is in a love triangle between Abby and “Peggy” while Abby is torn between “John” and Jack. As is typical in these situations, one of them figures it out before the other which causes drama, but it all works out in the end.

What does Christmas mean? Christmas is all about the big turkey dinner.
Is the title a pun? Nope, it is what it says it is.
Last minute plans/impending deadline? This takes place over a surprisingly reasonable amount of time, considering it stretches from just before Thanksgiving to Christmas.
Chemistry check? Not bad! I think it benefitted from the way they filmed the phone call scenes — with “Peggy” on her headset in the kitchen with “John” while he cooks his turkey — so that they interacted onscreen more.
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? This movie is actually more about turkey than Christmas.
Dialogue highlight? “I thought this hotline was about turkeys, not chickens.”
How white and straight? Very very.
Pet peeve? Roger, the Holiday Hotline supervisor, and his bowties and his eyebrows.
Rating? 2.5 out of 5 Daisy cottage cheese containers
Final verdict? I was definitely laughing at this movie more in places that were not intended to make me laugh.

Tonight, we kick off the holiday extravaganza with Catch Me If You Claus!