The end of the happiest season
I'm finally free!
The Secret Gift of Christmas
In some unnamed Quaint Coastal Town Where It Snows Bonnie (Meghan Ory, 2 Hallmark movies and 6 seasons of Hallmark’s original series Chesapeake Shores) is a personal shopper who gets hired Last Minute to help Patrick (Christopher Russell, 14 Hallmark movies) a contractor who renovates “heritage homes” (not a phrase I was familiar with). Patrick needs help buying gifts for his employees, clients, and daughter, but he is very resistant to Bonnie’s ideas. She’s too fancy! She wears giant furry boots and an endless succession of red wool coats and little hats while he wears jeans! To be fair to Patrick, Bonnie does clearly have a shopping addiction.
One of the first gifts Bonnie buys on Patrick’s behalf is a very generous thank-you gift for his daughter’s music teacher, Fiona Appleby. We’ve moved beyond Pun Titles into pun names. This thoughtful gift causes Fiona to fall in love with Patrick, but she has to know it will never work because her funky mullety hairstyle is no match for Bonnie’s bouncy long curls. Bonnie also bonds with Patrick’s daughter because she also has a dead mom, and she also promises to get her Taylor Swift tickets. (Her friend is friends with her makeup artist!) And a root ball Christmas tree, which I kept hearing as Ru Paul Christmas tree. That would have been more fun.
What does Christmas mean? It’s not about the presents, it’s about your presence.
Chemistry check? This guy was in the terrible color blindness movie last year, I personally find him to have the personality of a block of wood.
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? Patrick is Too Busy For Christmas because he is a single dad.
Dialogue highlight? “You had me at windowpane.”
How white and straight? Very very.
Pet peeve? Not that the costumes are usually that great in these movies, but some of the things they make Meghan Ory wear here are eye-watering.
Hot cocoa? Bonnie and Patrick’s daughter have their first bonding session over mugs of cocoa.
Rating? 1.5 out of 5 sapphire blue hoodies
Final verdict? Skip it.
Sealed With a List
After nepo baby Wyatt (Evan Roderick, 2 Hallmark movies) swoops in and gets the promotion she expected, Carley (Katie Findlay, 3 Hallmark movies) realizes (like Taylor Swift) that It’s Time To Go. But first, she spends nearly a year putting off that and all her other resolutions. When her best friend announces she’s coming back for the holidays and can’t wait to see all the progress Carley has made, she decides at the Last Minute to complete her list in the last 31 days of the year. She starts by taking the fall for a mistake Wyatt made and gets fired. Not technically quitting her job, but she checks it off the list anyway. Wyatt, feeling like he owes her, agrees to help her finish the rest. She in turn decides to help him become a responsible adult after his dad cuts him off from his trust fund.
It’s a classic odd couple pairing, and one that works for me basically every time. He’s a poor little rich boy who’s only ever wanted his distant dad’s attention while she comes from a loving home and has had to work hard for everything she’s ever wanted! He’s an irresponsible man-child but in a charming way and she’s the sort of person who might laminate a printed out resolution list! She didn’t, it’s a semi-gloss cardstock. It helps that these two pass the Chemistry Check, otherwise it would just feel like she was babysitting him.
What does Christmas mean? Christmas is about spending time with the people you love, duh.
Is the title a pun? Indeed. And since it ends on New Year’s Eve, I’m sure you can guess what else it’s seal with.
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? Like most sad lonely rich kids, Wyatt used to love Christmas. He needs a working class person to help him remember what Christmas can really be like!
Quaint town? Not today! It’s New York City, baby.
Dialogue highlight? “You are a professional. You are accomplished, patient. You will not yell at this silly man today.”
How white and straight? Only kind of white and very straight.
Pet peeve? If they lied about being a couple in order to get Wyatt an apartment because “they like renting to couples” how was he able to apply by himself? Did he lie about having a double income?
Hot cocoa? No, they drink coffee like responsible adults.
Rating? 3.5 out of 5 elaborate walnut cakes
Final verdict? I had a good time!
Friends & Family Christmas
Hallmark is finally brave enough to ask the question: can two WOMEN find love at Christmas? They answer it by taking a page out of Carol’s book, with a frosty blonde Amelia (Ali Liebert, 10 Hallmark movies1) meeting up with the object of her affection to return some gloves and kicking off a romance during the holidays. Okay, it’s not exactly the same. Dani (Humberly Gonzalez, 1 other Hallmark movie) is a photographer who agrees to fake date Amelia so they can both get their parents off their case about being single for Christmas. Of course, the dating might be fake but the feelings end up becoming real.
It’s all the usual Hallmark shenanigans, except less White and Straight. There’s a miscommunication that would be solved if people just took a minute to have a conversation, there are many many coats, there are multiple decorating montages, and of course there is Hot Chocolate. After last year’s The Holiday Sitter, I was a bit disappointed to see Hallmark not expand their queer holiday romcom offerings. I don’t really love the strategy being dozens of straight Christmas movies plus one gay Christmas one and one straight Hanukkah one. Yes, there was the 1/3 of the Christmas on Cherry Lane that featured a gay couple, but they could be doing a lot more than that. They’ve proven that the viewers aren’t going anywhere.
What does Christmas mean? Christmas is a time for Friends & Family!
Is the title a pun? It is comically straightforward.
Last minute plans/impending deadline? Like any good fake-dating setup, this one has a deadline: Christmas Eve.
Chemistry check? Good! Less crackly, more sweet.
Christmas Grump/Christmas Enthusiast? Amelia isn’t a Christmas Grump, but she is kind of a Busy Business Lady Who Is Too Busy For Real Christmas. Luckily Dani and her parents are there to bring her along on all their Christmas plans.
Quaint town? The quaint borough of Brooklyn.
Dialogue highlight? “Since you can’t get over your ex, I’m gonna guess Scorpio.”
Pet peeve? The subplot about Dani’s friend at the artist’s lab who was fangirling over Dani’s famous author mom felt like filler. We didn’t learn anything about Dani’s roommate who stayed in the city and spent Christmas with her and her parents. What’s his deal?
Rating? 4.5 out of 5 gigantic teddy bears
Final verdict? If you didn’t like Happiest Season and you want a lesbian Christmas movie with less conflict and no coming-out narratives, here you go!
And that’s it! Thanks for joining me again for another year of Christmas cheese and cheer. I’m not going to say I’ll keep this up as long as Hallmark does, but I will probably be back for more next year. I just can’t quit it.
Ali Liebert has played gay before on Hallmark. In Every Time A Bell Rings (which aired on the secondary channel Hallmark Movies & Mysteries in 2021) her queer romance was one of three in a movie about a trio of sisters, and it definitely was the least fleshed-out of all of them.